Hope for Hallie

I have been silent on my blog about the Green family and baby Hallie.  It's not because they aren't on my mind- because they are.  Almost every moment.  Now I understand the sorrow other people felt for us, as they grieved right along with us.  Hallie's life has caused so many emotions for me.  Joy- that they were able to meet her.  Hope- that others would draw nearer to God. Sadness- at the reality that Hallie's life will be short.  It's so hard to explain.  As a mother- I feel so badly for Katie.  I can relate to her in so many ways... ways I wish I didn't.  I know she is so thankful for EVERYTHING God has given her- and so proud to be the mom to Bella, Farrah, and Hallie.  Most people she interacts with daily will never know she has had three daughters.  When she sees people getting frustrated with their children and yelling at them, it will take every fiber of her not to scream at them and say "Be patient!  Be thankful you can discipline your child!"  When she sees people complain on Facebook about their kids waking them up in the middle of the night, or being uncomfortable because they are pregnant she will get tears in her eyes because she would give anything to be able to go back to those days when she had Hallie here.  When she hears Chris crying late at night when he thinks she is asleep her heart will break into a million pieces.  When Bella and Farrah ask her why they can't go to Heaven and get Hallie she won't know what to say.  

But......

When she looks at her C-section scar she will smile and remember why it is there.  When she wears her Hope for Hallie bracelet, she will remember the thousands of people who were praying for her.  When she flips through the encouraging signs people made it will touch her heart every time.  When she is able to give back, and honor Hallie's memory in whatever way she chooses she will be strong and have fulfillment that she is doing good things in Hallie's name.

Katie will never tell you how amazing she is.  But I will.  My sister Sarah and her sister Chelsie have been best friends for YEARS.  I think since fifth grade?  I have always thought- Man I bet Katie is so awesome, Chelsie is amazing- and from what I know about her parents and the rest of her family, she has gotta be so cool.  I didn't really talk to her to much until Tripp died.  She, Kelly Ford and Emily Parker were HUGE in setting up my support system.  They did things you couldn't imagine.  Text me late at night, sent me emails, sent me food, organized a Facebook group, and collected donations to buy us some things to help us honor Tripps memory.  

Katie knows that when I say I am praying for her- I am.  And I know the same for her.  I always tell those girls the big things in my life, some of my innermost secrets because I know that they will bring whatever struggle I am having to the Lord and pray with me.  When she first told me (very early on) that she had a positive test, I was SO EXCITED.  My gut was a GIRL.  I don't know why- I just feel like they are destined to have 4 girls :)  

My first thought the moment she text me to tell me the news that Baby #3 had a chromosomal abnormality and a heart defect was "surely they won't keep the baby"  Right?  I mean what would you do?  I am so ashamed that that was my first thought.  I just can't imagine losing another child.  But Katie never wavered.  She wanted to see it through, and let God's will be the way and so it was.  I immediately started researching once we heard the horrible news of Trisomy 13.  There is some pretty horrifying things that I found online- things that I just couldn't shake.  I didn't want Katie to go through that.  I didn't want her to have to face such an unknown future.  But God knew.  He knew exactly what would happen and Katie trusted that.  

As her due date neared, I was very anxious.  Every day I was expecting news.  Bad news, that Hallie was in the 50%-70% that die before delivery.  But I was wrong.  Hallie Lynn Green was born on December 19, weighing 4 lbs 15 oz and 18 3/4" at Northside Hospital.  There were no expectations- just questions to be answered after they assessed Hallie and told Katie and Chris the severity of her condition.  

It wasn't good- she had a valve that was missing.  Oddly enough, heart valves were the only thing that we could donate of Tripps organs.  The doctors allowed them to bring her home and told them she would likely pass within two months.  Can you imagine the grief mixed with joy?  They were trying to enjoy every moment with her, already grieving at the thought of losing her.  Every single person in their family allowed themselves to love her recklessly, knowing that she would not live long. 

On Christmas Eve, at just six days old, Hallie joined Tripp in glory.  And that is how I think of it.  I TRUELY believe they are together and that makes my heart so happy.  Hallie is now perfect and whole.  She has no pain and is in the presence of our Heavenly Father- what better place?  

Katie is probably crying hourly.  Mourning over what she has lost and what will never be.  Every year at Christmas time, it will be tinged with sorrow.  When she goes places she will see women with her sisters and know Bella and Farrah will never get to grow up with her.  When the school has a father daughter dance she will cry because Hallie won't be there.  When she goes to weddings and hears "In good times and bad" she will bow her head and say a quick prayer for the couple, because she hopes no one she loves will ever have to go through the pain she has experienced.  

We have been raising money for Hope for Hallie- we didn't know WHAT for, just to possibly get them some small gifts to remember Hallie by.  Emily, Kelly and I were all worried, that possibly we wouldn't have a great support for it, with it being so close to Christmas.  Boy, were we wrong.  God slapped me silly FOR SURE.  We are doing some things for Katie and Chris, but the majority of the money is going to go to something KATIE came up with.  (Let me tell you how amazing she is.)

Here are her own words:

"Hey girl.  Sorry I haven't had much in me to reply to anything.  But we are overwhelmed by all the generosity.  Before labor started I told mom I want to do something to help other infant loss people like us.  I of course would be honored to honor and remember Hallie in some way.  But my heart really wants to help others. (making boxes for families at hospitals, preemie dresses, blankets, etc stuff we were given and helped so much coming from someone who had also lost a baby)  Anyway, I'd love to somehow turn it into Hope FROM Hallie and people can know that the money is going towards helping other familes.  I don't know at what point, and maybe it's something I could blog about to tell how touched I've been. I say all of this because I figure from the support it's a big donation bank and I'd love to return a large part to others hurting.  I think helping others is going to help me heal and help me carry Hallie's name after I don't have her anymore."

Wow.

I was speechless.  I literally started at the phone for a few minutes not knowing what to say.  I eventually told her that she was an incredibly giving person and as a mom it is an honor that people know her name and know her story.  I also told her I would do anything I could to help make those dreams a reality.

So here goes.  

I want to challenge you.  Go sit in a quiet room and pray for God to speak to  you.  If he leads you in your heart to make a donation to Hope from Hallie, you will no be disappointed.  Keep checking back to see the great ways we honor Hallie's life and memory.


And please continue to pray for the {little} green family.


Love to all.
Rachael